Congratulations, O Wonderful Customer!
If you are reading this, then that means you have just purchased our newest model as seen in our fabulous Wind Waker catalogue-the Ganondorf Dragmire (version 2.0), as made by the lovely manufacturers of the Hyrule Company. Please carefully read through this guide in order to optimize on satisfaction and proper maitenance of your purchased model.
Name: Ganondorf Dragmire (will also respond to Ganon)
Location of Manufacture: Hyrule
Type: Evil Overlord
Height: This model's height varies upon where it happens to be standing. It normally stands at 6'5" and can grow up to 14' at certain distances. Don't worry, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. This is normal for your unit.
Weight: This unit cannot be weighed, nor does it wish to be.
Note: Any inquiries made to your unit about its weight may result in bodily harm and the Hyrule Company is not liable for any permanent injuries.
Length: This unit's length cannot be measured.
Level of Skill: So skilled he'll make your head spin.
Occupation: King of Evil, Hyrule's Bane, Sorceror-Thief, Gerudo King, etc...
Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) comes with the following accessories:
1) One set of awesome looking black robes.
2) One head jewel.
3) One pair of really sharp swords.
4) One Triforce of Power.
5) One very large king-sized bed with its own linens and 50' high canopy.
6) One very large pet bird.
When unloading your brand new GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) from its box, it is important to make sure that you are not close to any body of water for your new unit is very touchy about large bodies of water and will malfunction. Upon feeling the first touch of a healthy, non-ruin filled wind, your new model will awaken and step outside of its container. Your unit will look around, evaluating its surroundings and you, before decidig on its course of action. Once he deems you not a threat, quickly dispose of the box and packing peanuts responsibly. Be good to the world; think green.
Treat your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) with respect for the first couple of days, for while it is not terribly temperamental, it will not hesitate to throw you off the side of a tower (or the nearest, tallest building within a two mile radius of its location) for your cheek and disrespect towards its person. It is also not very touchy-feely, so if you get within its personal space, prepare to have your hands cut off.
Note: We do not cover your life insurance.
Alternate Method of Installation: Toss the box-still covered in packing tape, rope and shipping chains-into a pool/lake/ocean, hot tub. If you get decapitated by a very angry (and wet) King of Evil, ring us up.
WARNING: If you are a blonde woman between the ages of 14-20, we advise you to have someone else open up your box for you. Possibly a blond teenaged boy between the ages of 12-17. The unit has a strange urge to strangle the first blond it sees and will be more inclined to choke (and possibly shake) a male, than a female, if forced to choose.
Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) has seven different modes:
King of Evil (Default mode)
OOC (Level 10 Lock)
Depressed (Level 11 Lock)
Note: The only way to unlock OOC mode, is for you to buy a special Fanfiction license from our sister company, by calling them at our toll free number 1-800-O-HYRULE. Do not expect your call to connect with our customer service operators. Most likely all communications will have been cut off. If that's the case, make sure to have a DAPHNES unit on hand.
Interactions with other units:
Toon Link Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit will most likely ignore this unit at first, because it cannot take such a pipsqueak seriously. Eventually, your unit will grow weary of its presence and might try to have TOON LINK removed permanently through various means, such as feeding him to his pet bird or making him go through various dangerous dungeons armed with a measly shield and a mystical sword that doesn't work. If your TOON LINK unit ever happens to come across all the pieces of the Triforce of Courage, keep him far, far, far, faaaaaar away. Lock him up in the Sacred Realm or have him magically deported to Termina, but keep him away from your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit. For his own safety and the world's. (And by world, we mean the sunken kingdom of Hyrule.)
Amendment: We apologize for the confusion. Starting from 'going through various dungeons' to 'mystical sword that doesn't work', the description for interaction between the TOON LINK and GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) units is inaccurate and was actually supposed to be for our DAPHNES unit. Once again, we apologize for any inconvenience this may incurr.
Tetra Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit will see the spunky TETRA unit as nothing more than a troublesome sea rat. While he would not do her any direct harm on his own, when provoked by a TETRA unit in ANNOYING PUPPY mode, he will strangle her to within an inch of her life. When he meets the TETRA unit while she is in PRINCESS mode, he will kidnap her and possibly put her to sleep in his very large bed for no adequately explored reason. For the safety of both the TETRA unit and the world, it is best to keep these two apart.
Daphnes Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit will see this unit as a great threat and will go to great lengths to kill it.
Note: Be advised that any talking boat/car/train/tricycle/vehicle calling itself the King of Lions is the DAPHNES unit in disguise and that any boy following it should be quickly sent home, before he gets hurt. Especially if it is the TOON LINK unit. If not, prepare to wash the blood stains out of the carpet. We suggest using the pinesol and bleach.
Cleaning your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0):
Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) is a fully capable self-cleaning unit and does not require aid in personal hygiene. However, he will not decline if you offer to wash his clothes (and bed linen) for him. Your unit will take a bath once every couple of days, due to its general dislike to large amounts of water. Do not force it to bathe every day. We are pretty sure he will choke you for your insolence.
F.A.Q. Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: When I received my new unit, I ended up with this weird pig beast in a bathrobe that keeps yelling 'YOU WILL DIE PLEASE!' while flailing really animatedly. What's wrong with it and where's my GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit?
A: How did that happen? Somehow, you have received a discontinued GANON (ver 0.0.1 CD-i) unit which should have been scrapped years ago during the earlier development stages of our company. Due to its strange, animated movements, annoying voice and repeat lines and bad overall performance it was discontinued and recalled. To send it back, we suggest holding a flashlight to it (with the light on) and force it back into its box along with your receipt and proof of purchase. If it doesn't manage to succeed in killing you for daring to bring light into its lair, we'll send you the correct model within a week.
Q: My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit won't eat anything I give him. What can I do?
A: Are you, by any chance, feeding him fish? Most likely it is depressing him, just from looking at it. Try some chicken instead.
Q: My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit just stands around, staring at the distance dramatically. What's up with that?
A: Your unit has simply been locked into Depressed mode. Most likely you're in a place surrounded by water or a place with lots of sand, or something else that triggers his memories. Don't worry, this eventually passes on its own within a week or so. If it doesn't, we suggest buying yourself a DAPHNES unit. Even though it will incite your unit to anger, at least he won't be depressed anymore.
Q: My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit has suddenly taken an interest in my past and keeps yelling at me for not knowing who my ancestors were and where I came from. Why is this?
A: Your unit has most likely gone into Seldavia mode. While in this mode your model will act not quite a villain, yet not quite a hero and will be helpful to you while also acting very distant. It's not bad, but if you prefer your unit to be in its default mode of King of Evil, we suggest shoving your unit into the nearest body of water that is deeper than six feet. He'll get the point then.
Q: My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) has been stoned! What do I do?
A: It's your own fault really, as we of Hyrule Company have no liabilities pertaining to the use of drugs and substances. Smoking is bad for yours and your unit's health.
Q: No, I mean he was turned into stone!
A: Ah. Well, there is not much we can do about it. Put him in the lawn as an ornamanet and may we interest you in the next GANONDORF DRAGMIRE model from the Twilight Princess series?
Problem: Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit has suddenly started kidnapping young girls from all over your neighbourhood.
Answer: Your unit is simply looking for Princess Zelda, which is, in actuality, the TETRA unit in the same series as your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0). Simply help the girls escape and tell him TOON LINK did it, if he realizes the girls have disappeared. He will eventually stop this behaviour after a few days, ince he gets it out of his system.
Problem: Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit won't start up properly. Even after you've exposed it to non-ruin-filled winds.
Answer: In all likelihood, your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) is just messing with you. Use the alternate method of installation. That should get him up.
Problem: Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit is acting strange with the TETRA unit you bought.
Answer: You might want to invest in a lawyer.
Problem: My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit is shouting at me about fate and destiny, how can I get him to stop?
Answer: Your GANONDROF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit is about to go into what we at Hyrule Company like to call 'Dramatic Speech mode'. It is, most likely, a submode of King of Evil and cannot be easily stopped. We suggest earplugs and ignoring him, although it might be hazardous to your health. Research shows that when your unit acts like this, he is close to reuniting the three pieces of the Triforce and resurrecting Hyrule. In which case, we suggest earplugs and a very good boat. Especially if a DAPHNES unit, in Cock Block mode, is nearby.
Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit comes with a very generous 500-year warranty. We do not offer extended warranty services past 500 years. If your unit is damaged or wounded in some way, feel free not to return it to the manufacturers. Nothing is worse than an injured King of Evil, specifically when it is a critically injured King of Evil. However, if you find that you must absolutely return your unit, feel free to tranquilize him, and ship it back to us with your proof of purchase and your receipt for your full money back.
We of the Hyrule Company wish you eventful times with your Wind Waker unit and thank you for purchasing the GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) unit from us. Enjoy!